Congenital Abnormality of the Heart
by MeElla
Summary: One day, after an ordinary day of training, Lauren Tanner heads into the shower. Fifteen minutes later, Payson finds her lifeless body on the floor. A different take on Lauren's heart disease.


I haven't been doing much writing this fall/winter, but right now I'm on vacation in Thailand and I'm feeling more inspired again. This isn't my best work, but I just had to get it out. The idea has followed me around too long. So here it is.

...

"Lauren, hurry up! I want to shower before the world ends!" Payson knocks on the door to the bathroom. Lauren has been in there for more than fifteen minutes by now and the water is still running. They had to be downstairs to meet up with Kaylie, Jordan and Kelly in fifteen minutes, and in this speed, Payson would have to go to dinner still sweaty after training.

She sighs and paces the room. "Come on Lo!" she calls and knocks on the door again as she passes it. "Do you hear what I'm saying? We've got only fifteen minutes!" She knocks again. Lauren has always taken her time in the bathroom, but this is ridiculous! "Lo?" She can't hear anything but water running. "Lo?" one more knock. "Lo, I'm coming in!"

Payson slowly opens the door and peeks her head inside. "Lo?" She steps inside the bathroom.

Behind the door, from under the shower curtain, she sees Lauren's legs and feet. "Did you slip?" she asks. "Don't tell me you've broken something!" They don't have time for this!

Payson pulls the curtain aside. On the floor, under the spray of water, Lauren's lying with open eyes, staring blindly at the roof.

"Lauren?" she screams and falls on her knees next to the lifeless body of her best friend. "Lo?" she shakes the girls shoulder, but she already knows. She doesn't need to check the pulse or breathing. She runs out to her room and grabs the cell. Her hands are shaking so much that she dialed the wrong number twice.

"911, what's your emergency?" a man answers seconds later.

"I, I mean my friend. She's dead, she's just lying there," while she speaks she placed the phone on the toilet. She tries to remember how to do CPR with the water still falling down on her.

"Where are you ma'am?" the man asks with calm voice.

"I'm at TC," Payson tries to describe where she is. "I can't remember what to do," she says, feeling the panic take up all space in her chest. She can barely remember how to breathe.

"Can you feel a pulse?"

Payson shakes her head before remembering the man can't see her. "No."

As the man on the phone guides her, Payson starts doing compressions on Lauren's chest. The water keeps spraying over them, mixing itself with the silent tears falling down Payson's cheek.

Fifteen minutes does it take until a man and a woman, paramedics, come running into the room. Fifteen minutes that feels like a lifetime. Fifteen minutes that leaves Payson out of breath and shaking. Someone turns the water off and leads Payson aside. The female paramedics take over the CPR as the other set up a gurney. Everything happens as in slow motion behind a screen of fog. It feels like hours before Lauren is taken down to the waiting ambulance.

Someone has put a blanket around Payson's shoulder and so many different voices are speaking with her at the same time. Sit down, change, take a warm shower. She can't focus enough on one thought to do anything.

"Get dressed girls, I'll drive you to the hospital," coach McIntyre says. Payson isn't sure on how much time has passed. Somehow she is dressed in dry clothes. Someone is holding her hand, and she has to look down and follow the arm up to see who it belongs to. Kaylie is crying quietly, and by the look of the mascara streaks down her face, she has been doing it for a while.

Without knowing how it happened, they are at the hospital. Payson isn't even sure which hospital.

"I'm sure she'll be fine," Jordan says, looking between Kaylie and Payson.

Payson nods, but doesn't really listens to the rest of the comforting words, instead she spots Mr. Tanner. He's talking with a doctor dressed in blue scrubs. In front of her eyes, he falls apart. And she understands. She had already known, but watching Mr. Tanner almost strangling the doctor, she understands. She can hear the doctors words. "There were nothing we could do... We did everything we could... Congenital abnormality of the heart..." Next to her Kaylie is shaking by the violent sobs. Payson wants to reach out and hug her friend, but she can't move.

A trauma councilor, a shrink, shows up late. He's talking about shock and grief and Payson can't even start to understand what he's saying. He's asking question she can't hear. He tries to explain grief to them. Payson just stares at her hands. Everyone knows the stages of grief is just theories, nothing that exists in real life. Before the man can finish, she walks out of the room. She doesn't need anyone to tell her how to feel.

Somehow they get back to TC that evening. Payson spends the night sitting on her bed, watching Lauren's empty half of the room. Her things are still there. The bright blanket, the pictures, the clothes thrown everywhere. The phone, the computer. It's all untouched. The only traced left from the evening is the muddy footsteps on the floor. Payson get up from the bed, she can't leave the floor dirty like that, she'll have to clean it up.

1. Denial

"Payson, what are you doing here?" coach McIntyre asks as Payson steps inside the dark gym. "I thought we would take today off."

"Why?" Payson asks, dropping her bag on the floor by the wall. "It's only three months until the Olympics."

"After everything that happened last night..."

"Do you think the Chinese and Russians are resting?" she doesn't stay to listen to the coach, instead she starts with her warm-up.

During the morning the rest of the gymnasts show up. Some are working out, most of them are just sitting around. Payson avoids looking over at the mats by the vault where she knows Kaylie and Jordan are sitting. Payson works on her floor routine, but it's not going well. She ends up on her butt more times than her feet.

At lunchtime her parents are there. They sit in the cafeteria, Payson is pushing her food around on the plate instead of listening to them. They're talking about life and the unfairness of it. She doesn't need to be told things like that. She knows how life works. After lunch she tells her parents to go home before returning to the gym. Since she can't seem to focus enough to practice her tumbling, so she works on her cardio in the gym instead.

"Payson? What are you doing up?" Kaylie asks from the door to her and Jordan's room.

"Couldn't sleep," Payson says honestly. She doesn't tell Kaylie that she hasn't tried to. That every time her eyes are closed for more than a second the picture of Lauren's dead body pop up in her mind. Payson didn't sleep last night, and she's pretty sure she won't get any rest tonight either.

"Do you want company?"

Payson shrugs, she's not sure what she wants anymore. Except for life to go back to normal, but it's too late for that. Kaylie sits down next to her and takes her hand. It's kind of nice to have someone close.

2. Anger

After three days of not eating or sleeping, Payson passes out in the gym. She's not sure what's happening. One moment she's running around the gym with the other girls, the next one everything goes black. It's almost a relief, the darkness around her. She could stay there, hide from reality.

"Payson? Payson?"

Opening her eyes Payson could have sworn that it was Lauren's voice. But of course it isn't. Lots of faces are looking down on her, but not Lauren's. She slowly sits back up. Her head is spinning and her body aching.

"Payson, are you okay?"

That voice she knows. Turning around she sees Sasha walking across the gym. He sits down on his knees next to her. "Are you okay?" he repeats.

"You should take some days off Payson," coach McIntyre says.

"Have you eaten?" Sasha asks, gentle hand on her shoulder. "We'll go somewhere to eat."

The words are spinning in her head. She can't stand it, the looks, the voices, the pain. She gets up.

"Come on Pay, let's get out of here."

"Don't tell me what do!" she screams. Everyone's looking at her.

"Payson, please," Sasha starts.

"No!" she can't hear it, she can't cry, she can't feel all these emotions any more. "Just, leave me alone!" she takes her bag and walk out of the gym. On the way through the door she closes it with way more force than necessary and she hopes the bang makes them jump. She doesn't turn around to look, but what she hears is the door opening and closing again, following by running footsteps.

"Payson, what's wrong?" Kaylie asks when she's caught up.

"What's wrong?" Payson repeats, still feeling the anger boiling inside her. "What's not wrong?"

"I know this is though, it's for me too," Kaylie says. "But Lauren wouldn't want you to waste your time this close to the Olympics. She would have wanted you to be healthy and make the team."

"Do you know what Kaylie," Payson asks, almost spitting out the words. "That's a bunch of bull. Lauren doesn't want us to make the team. Lauren doesn't want us to do anything. She's too busy being dead!" She wants to scream so many more stupid meaningless words, but she comes to a stop when she sees a tear fall down Kaylies cheek. "I'm sorry Kaylie," she says before walking away.

3. Bargaining

When a week has passed, Payson still can't sleep. She can't eat. She can't train. She can barely breathe. The other end of her room at TC is empty, but Payson can't look away. She sits on her bed, legs pulled to her chest and watches the door to the bathroom. Every time she blinks she sees Lauren's staring eyes, feel the wet body under her hands.

If she had just opened the door a little earlier, maybe she could have saved the blond girl. Maybe, if she had paid better attention in fifth grade when they learned CPR, maybe she could have saved her friend. Maybe, if she had been a better friend, Lauren had come to her if she any symptoms from her heart.

There's a knock on the door before it slowly opens. A short brown haired girl looks inside, and it takes a few seconds for Payson to recognize Kelly. Her brain is working so slowly these days.

"Hey Payson," Kelly offers her a small smile. "I brought you some tea and a sandwich."

"Thank you," Payson mumbles. Kelly looks slightly surprised and Payson slowly realizes it's probably several days since she last spoke.

"Can I do anything?" Kelly asks as she places the food on the small bedside table next to Payson's bed. They have long ago stopped asking if she wants to sleep in their room. Payson can't seem to leave the room. Sometimes she thinks that maybe she'll wake up one morning and discover that it was all a bad dream. Maybe. But only if she stays in the room.

"Payson, why don't we take a walk?" Kelly tries.

Payson is so tired. She wished she could sleep a few hours, just a few hours, but it's difficult when you don't want to close your eyes. Kelly leaves the room after a while, Payson is not sure how long. All she can think is that maybe, if she had listened a bit more carefully, she could have heard Lauren fall in the shower. She must have made a sound that Payson missed.

Payson looses counts of the days after a while. Everything fleets into each other. Her parents, Kaylie, Sasha, coach McIntyre. It turns grey, everything around her. And then, finally, it turns black.

The next time she opens her eyes she's in an unfamiliar bed, in an unfamiliar room. Her father sits on a chair next to the bed, eyes red and wet. He's holding her left hand in his, and when he locks eyes with her he squeezes her hand tightly.

"You're okay honey," he whispers as he gently pushes her hair out of her eyes. "It will be okay. Go back to sleep honey."

Terrible nightmares haunts her every breath, every beat of her heart. There's the shower, and the paramedics, and the hospital. And there's Lauren, shouting things, terrible things.

Apparently she sleeps for three days and nights when admitted to the hospital. Payson can't remember anything else than the nightmares. But the next time she opens her eyes, she's pretty sure she's hallucinating. Instead of her father on the chair next to her bed, Mr. Tanner is sitting there. He looks pales and kind of nauseous and over all just lost. He looks like Payson feels.

"Mr. Tanner?" Her voice is rough, like she hasn't used it for a long time. And she probably hasn't. She can't really remember. "What are you doing here?" She wants to ask if the figure is real, but if he is, she thinks it might give the impression that she's actually crazy and they might lock her up in some psychiatric ward.

"Hi Payson," she guesses the grimace on his face is supposed to be a smile, but all it does is to make him look like he's in pain. Which he probably is, Payson thinks. Just like she is. "How are you doing?" He asks. "Do you want something to drink?"

She nods, she can't really speak with her dry throat. He grabs a glass on the table behind him and hands it to her. As she drinks she silently wonders how long he has been sitting there.

"I'm sorry," she says as she swallows the last water and hands the glass back. Her voice is still shaky, but it might have something to do with the lump in her throat and the stinging in her eyes.

"What for?" Mr. Tanner asks.

"That I didn't find her sooner, that I couldn't save her..."

Not until he hands her a tissue does she realize she's crying. She hasn't cried since... Probably since that day. She dries the tears that's running down her cheeks, but they just keep coming down silently.

"No one wishes more than me that you could have saved her," Payson waits for the words, for him to blame her. He has all the rights to do so. It's her fault after all. "But the doctor said there wasn't anything anyone could have done..." He takes a deep breath before he continues. "She had a heart disease no one knew of, she was born with it..." He took a few shaky breaths and pressed a tissue of his own to his left eye. "Even if she had fallen down in front of our eyes, no one could have done anything." Payson doesn't believe him. Certainly, if she had learned CPR properly, if she had opened the door earlier, she could have saved Lauren. "Payson Keeler, listen to me," they lock eyes. "It wasn't your fault. None of this was your fault. Even if you girls had your ups and downs, Lauren loved you, and she would not want this for you. Gymnastics or no gymnastics, you can't do this to yourself. We won't get Lauren back, no matter what we do."

It's impossible to stop the tears. A sob rips through her body.

"I miss her," she sobs as Mr. Tanner pulls her into a hug.

"Me too" the smile on his lips almost looks real as they let go of each other. "Take care of yourself, will you?"

She nods, maybe she could do that. Maybe.

4. Depression

Instead of going back to TC, Paysons father drives her home to Boulder. As soon as the car stops her mother and sister are there to hug her tight. It feels nice, having her family around her. Someone has packed up her stuff from TC, her bag is waiting for her on the bed as she enters her room.

"Do you want me to take down the pictures?" Becca asks from the doorway.

Looking from the window to her sister to the wall across the room from the bed. There's all the pictures. All the pictures from the last few years of her life. Lauren's bright smile and glimmering eyes are looking back at her several times over.

"No, I'll do it," Payson says. "I'll be down in a few minutes?" When the words leaves her mouth they sound like a question.

"I think mom is making food," Becca offers before leaving the room, closing the door behind her.

Walking over to the pictures, Payson feels her heart ache. For a moment she wonders if she's having a heart attack. It would be poetic justice, she thinks, but then she catches herself and repeats Mr. Tanner's words to herself. No one could have done anything. No one could save her. It wasn't Paysons fault.

She slowly takes down one picture after another, continuing to repeating the words to herself. Maybe, if she thinks them enough times, she'll believe it.

Time is a weird thing, Payson had always known that. She's not that surprised when she realized a month has passed since that day. She's been home for a week. One month without gymnastics. Without Lauren. She silently wonders when the funeral was, if Kaylie and Kelly were there.

"Do you wanna go for a run, Pay?"

Her sister is sitting next to her on the sofa. They're watching a movie, but Payson has no idea what it's about. "Maybe later," she says.

"Sasha asked for you today," Becca says.

Embarrassing to say, but Payson hasn't even realized her sister still trains. Every day feels as long as a year, but somehow the days pile up.

She thinks she's been home for nine days when her mother knocks on the door to tell her she's got a visitor. Sitting on her bed, staring at a book in her lap, had become her new favorite way to spend her time. She couldn't even tell you what book it was, but staring at it kept her from looking at the medals and prices across the room.

"Hi."

Even if he hadn't had an English accent, his voice would be easy to recognize. She closes the book and looks up. "Hi," she says.

He kind of looks relived, maybe he thought she wouldn't talk to him? "Can I come in?" He asks.

She nods and motions for him to sit on the bed, moving slightly to make room for him.

"How are you doing?" He asks. Studying his face she can't see a trace of the pity her family always show so clearly on their faces.

"I'm fine," she says.

He nods slowly. "Thought so," he smiles a little. "Will I see you in the gym any time soon?"

The gym? Why would she ever step her foot in there again? Slowly she shakes her head. Not being able to look her coach in the eyes she studies her hands instead.

"Have anyone told you they're saving you a spot on the Olympic team?"

At that she looks up. It shouldn't be a surprise that the camp has ended and a team has been selected. How much time has passed? How long is it left to the Olympics? That she hasn't thought about the Olympics even once is a surprise.

"I..." she doesn't know what to say.

"I want you to know that it's up to you to decide," Sasha says. "No one will blame you either way, but you should chose. Olympics or no Olympics."

"I... Don't know..." she finally says.

"Well, I wouldn't let you make the decision now anyway," he smiles a little before looking serious again. "At least one workout before deciding," he adds. "Can you come to the Rock or should I call Denver? Marty would let you train there if you want..."

So many thoughts are spinning in Payson's head that she can't seem to think straight.

"Think about it," he says. "Give me an answer before the week is over, will you?"

Feeling his hand on her shoulder she nods. He leaves her bedroom without another word and it almost feels like no one was ever there.

Kim and Becca don't look very surprised when Payson enters the kitchen, sweatpants and a hoodie hiding her leotard, the following morning at six am. Neither of the three women say anything as they get ready to leave for The Rock.

The usual ten minute drive feels both longer and shorter than usual. The closer they get, the more nauseous Payson feels.

"Wait, please, let me out here," Payson says when they're only a couple of blocks away from the gym. "I need some air, please."

Kim slows the car and Payson gets out as soon as it stands still. She grabs her bag and start walking before her mother or sister can say anything. It's chilly for being the end of May. The sun is already up, but the wind isn't warm. It's already six thirty, but Payson can't seem to speed up. Her mind feels strangely empty.

It doesn't take long to walk the last of the way to The Rock, and soon Payson is standing outside the gym on the parking lot. It feels... strange. Kind of like if she was dreaming. Nothing really have sharp edges and she's pretty sure she can feel the earth spin.

On the small patch of grass next to the parking lot is a picnic table. It's impossible to even try to guess or estimate how many times they have eaten their lunch there. Payson, Kaylie and Lauren. There were other girls from time to time. Like Emily. But in the end, it was only Payson, Kaylie and Lauren who stuck it out. With a pang to hear heart she guessed their number was down to two by now. Or one really. At least she thought Kaylie had made it onto the Olympic team.

"Hey, your sister told me you were probably out here."

Payson jumps at Sasha's words. She hadn't even seen him walk closer. She sits on the table with a deep sigh. "I just... can't..."

"It's okay," he says with a hand on her shoulder. "Do you want me to take you to Denver?"

She nods. She can't let it end like this.

"I'll just make sure the assistant coaches know what they're doing, I'll be right back."

Payson nods again and watch him go back inside the gym. She thinks of the time she had been scared of gymnastics. How every time she had thought about doing anything involving her feet leaving the ground, her stomach had twisted up in knots. Overcoming that, she had thought it would be the most difficult thing she had ever done. And it had been. Until now. She just didn't know how to do it. To walk into the gym without seeing Lauren's dead body. How do anyone move on from that?

"You ready?" Sasha asks, waking her from her dreams.

Without a word she follows him and slips into the car. He drives out of the parking lot and steers toward Denver.

"Thank you," she whispers. He only places his hand over hers and give her a light squeeze as an answer. She doesn't need more. He's always there for her.

The Denver Elite gym looks like it's always done. Payson's been there countless of times. For a moment everything feels normal, like it's always done. Then people spot her and everything falls silent. All eyes are on Payson. A few hushed whispers can be heard and heads jerking in her direction with sympathetic smiles is all she sees.

"Back to work!"

The sound of Marty's voice makes her jump slightly. Not really sure what to do, she looks up at Sasha.

"You heard him," he says, a reassuring smile on his lips. He gently nudges her in the direction of the mats. "Start warming up!"

No time to dwell is probably the best plan of action, so Payson do as she's told. She's always been good at that. Following orders, doing as told. Training through anything. She lets the feel of the springy floor under her feet sooth her. Lets the feeling of her muscle working empty out her brain.

5. Acceptance

In the end, it's kind of easy, falling into old patterns. Her parents don't fight her on it, instead her father gets up extra early and takes her to Denver every morning. Her mother comes around after her job at The Rock is done to pick her up.

Payson stays close to Kelly during the days. Kelly doesn't ask questions or chitchat when they're supposed to focus. They work in silence, eat in silence and stretch in silence. If Payson close her eyes when Marty goes over the workout for the day, it's almost like nothing has changed. Like she's travelled two years back in time. No Sasha, no dead Lauren, no broken back. Everything was kind of easy two years ago. But as she opens her eyes and spots Kelly, when she feels her hand tighten around the medal in her pocket, she can't seem to wish the last two years away. Only the Lauren dying part, of course. She would do anything to take that away.

"Long time no see."

Payson looks up. Once again she has disappeared into one of her daydreams. It's a new trait for her, a new bad habit. She's standing outside The Rock. She still hasn't been inside. But it's the last national team practice, and she has to go inside.

"You okay Pay?" Sasha asks. "Are you ready for this?"

No, no she isn't. But she takes a deep breath and nods. There's no one inside yet. There won't be anyone here in at least half an hour. She made sure she was early. She nods again.

Sasha places an arm around her shoulders and they walk inside together. Seeing the gym. The blue mats, the office, the banners on the walls, the lockers, the changing rooms... It's almost kind of anticlimactic. Payson doesn't break down. She doesn't end up a whimpering mess in the corner.

Practice is a bit quiet. It's like no one knows how to act around her. It's kind of good though, because in the end they leave her alone. Payson still has quite a problem with focusing though. It seems like both coach McIntyre and Sasha notes, because they won't let her do any apparatus training. Instead she's stuck on the floor, doing conditioning.

During the morning she learns that Kaylie, Kelly, Wendy and Jordan made the team together with Payson. It's a good team, if they could all keep their acts together. Of course it's missing one name to be the dream team, but Payson tries not to think too much about that.

"Pay? Do you wanna go somewhere with me?"

Payson looks up from her almost untouched lunch. It's kind of impossible to eat when everyone is staring at you. She nods to Kaylie and quickly leaves the kitchen, following the brunette.

They get inside Kaylies car, and Kaylie drives them through town.

When Payson figures out where they are going, it's too late. Kaylie parks on the small parking lot next to the church. In front of them are the only cemetery in town. Kaylie turns the engine off and turns to Payson.

"You haven't been to her grave yet, have you?"

There's no accusation in her voice, no anger or betrayal. Payson shakes her head. She hasn't even been able to think about Lauren in a grave.

"It makes it kind of... final," Kaylie says.

Payson wants to tell her friend she doesn't need it to be more final. Feeling someone die under your hands as you tries to keep the heart beating is final enough. But she can't get the words out, so instead she follows Kaylie out of the car.

The cemetery is big, but they don't have to walk far. Kaylie stops a bit from a dark stone with golden letters. She hands Payson a simple white rose. Payson isn't sure where she got it, but takes it anyway.

"Take your time," Kaylie says and turns and walk away.

Payson slowly walks closer to the dark stone. She's not really sure where to place her feet as she walks. What if she steps on the grave? Not that it would matter, she guesses. But she walks up to the stone with Lauren's name and slowly sits down next to it. Beloved daughter and friend it says. The stones around her has much older dates marked as date of birth. It's not that common to die at eighteen after all.

There are already flowers in front of the stone. Roses and other kinds, all different colors. She silently wonders if people come here often. Does it give them solace, does it help with the grief? Payson places the white rose on top of the stone. As her hand falls, she traces the edge of the stone. It's sharp. It's real. Lauren is dead. Dead and hurried and she's not coming back.

A sob escapes her body, almost scaring her in the silence. She wants to hug the rock, hug Lauren. They were best friends, even if they fought, and now she's dead and buried. Payson has to place a hand over her mouth not to sob loudly again.

Suddenly Kaylie is sitting down next to her, placing an arm around her shoulder. Together they cry until there aren't any more tears inside them.

"We'll come back with an Olympic medal," Kaylie whispers with a hoarse voice. "When we win, we'll dedicate it to you."

Even if it's silly, it's all they can do. In the end, Payson thinks, they can't do anything to bring her back. They can't change what happened.

"We'll win for you," she whispers, letting her fingers trace Lauren's name one last time before standing up. We'll live for you, she silently adds. What else can they do?

...

Don't hesitate to let me know what you think. I might actually rewrite it one day. Do it more justice. I do love the idea of the story.


End file.
